I have these periods of times, sometimes only lasting a day sometimes a week or more, when I just feel “blah.” I don’t really feel bad, just not much of anything and I really don’t like it. I find myself not caring about things I think I should care about…it’s hard to explain. I almost get the feeling that all of the stuff we expend our energy on around here in this life is futile – so what’s the point? I think of myself as a caring, loving person so when these thoughts cover my mind, like an emotional novacaine, it really bothers me. I pray and ask God to blow away the fog that’s settled on my heart, to bring back some emotion, some overwhelming sense of awe or love, some tears for someone who’s hurting or sick, some compassion for people I see that are down and out. Instead I feel apathy.
I’ve heard that people with leprosy lose the feeling in their limbs, their nerve endings ceasing to perform their vital function of proclaiming sensation to the brain. One might wish for a life without pain, but to not feel pain is to not really exist. A leper might not have pain and so may not know if they place their hand on a hot stove and that their skin is being burned. They may get cut and not realize they’re bleeding or get infected because they don’t know there’s an injury. Pain seems to be an indicator of life, of things functioning the way they’re supposed to. No pain truly is no gain!
I don’t seem to have as much trouble feeling pretty reasonably good during these times, just trouble caring and feeling heartbroken over something. It’s not that I want to hurt, I just want to always FEEL. I want to be aware, to care. I want, I crave vibrant, exilhirating or even excruciating feeling. I’d rather deal with pain than with this heavy numbing blanket of ho-hum. I want those moments, even though I know they can’t always come, of heartfelt, unabashed worship of God…to realize anew how much I need Him and to feel that inescapable pull of His Holy Spirit, closer, closer, more alive, thriving, pulsing, practically quaking with life!
No more just existing life, no more careless heart. I want this gray, cloudy life to be shattered by the brilliant color, power and light of Jesus in my heart. I want Him to blast away any crusty barriers to His endless overpowering love. I want Him to crush any remnants of my selfish sinful nature and raise me up in Him.
Jesus said He came to give us life, and life abundant. He came to set us free. He came that we might overcome death and the grave through Him. He came that we might love as He loves…serve and humble ourselves as He did.
I don’t know where the numbness comes from – maybe sometimes from exhaustion, from carrying on and carrying on until your emotions have been stretched to the point of losing feeling. Maybe it comes from the constant battle we’re in against our enemy to keep our eyes on Jesus…the battle to hold to the Truth of Christ in a world that screams self and all sorts of confusing lies. Maybe it even comes from looking around at “Christians” and not seeing the vibrancy, the self-sacrifice, the passion that seems like it should be there if Christianity really works. Where are those who have been forgiven and are so thankful and full of love that they give all they are, every day to Jesus and to serving Him? Where are the ones who are so caught up in love with their Creator that they can’t stop talking about Him and telling you how good God is? Where are the people whose eyes and hearts are being opened to Jesus because these passionate, sold-out Christ followers are living their faith?? When I don’t see it – it seems to open wide the flow of anesthesia to my heart. God deliver me and make me one of those who, when others see my life and my choices, will reassure them that following You DOES work, that the Gospel still saves people’s souls, that You really are the Way, the Truth and the LIFE! I’m done with the novacaine – bring on the sensation again – even if it’s pain.
Feels like I’m going through the motions in the dark
In a world that leaves me with an uninspired heart
All I know is I’m so tired
Living life I barely feel
Give me hope, give me fire
Give me something real
Cause I don’t wanna keep sleepwalkin’ through
Endless days I’ve had enough of
Going nowhere, God I want to Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
It’s now or never come and pull me from this dream
Where everything is colorless and nothing’s what it seems I believe only You
Can make me come alive Help me be so consumed
Open up my eyes
by Everyday Sunday “Wake up, Wake up!”