I’ve not had time to really sit down and think about writing lately. I wish I did – I love to do it and it helps me process what’s going on inside. It might help if I jot down a few things going through my pea brain the last few days.
- My grandmother is in the skilled unit of her assisted living facility now. She had pneumonia and spent a few days in the hospital and it took a toll on her. Her 95 1/2 year old body seems tinier to me now, her voice softer, her eyes much heavier and sleepier. I feel the need to go see her often and get in as many kisses on that soft cheek of hers that I can. I wish we could just talk and visit but she is so weak and drowsy.
- I’ve never had to live day by day in all aspects of my life as much as I am now: spiritually, emotionally, financially. I take comfort in the fact that God has never let me down and each day I have what I need and more. I don’t know for sure what’s up tomorrow but I find as I take each step, send up each prayer, carry out what I know to do to take care of my family and try to stay close to God that I’m making it! Yes it’s hard, but God is faithful. I have my down days but mostly peaceful ones – especially when I honestly cry out to Him (pretty much every morning on the way to work) and share the heavies weighing on my heart. He welcomes me in love and helps me shoulder the heavies. Why does He care? Why does He love? This leads me to the next thought that’s been churning around in my head:
- I think we have become so accustomed to knowing God and being his children that we forget the unimaginable miracle of His faithful love and grace. Somehow we have become impatient with trivialities and lost sight of the plain and simple fact that we should be cast aside, despised and rejected for our sinfulness but God gave his very own life-blood to pay for us and redeem us. It’s like getting aggravated at the flight attendants during a flight for not having the soda you like while forgetting how unbelievably awesome it is that you are sitting in a giant, heavy steel object flying thousands of feet in the air! The amazement about the miracle of flight has become ho-hum. The miracle of God’s grace becomes ho-hum when I get stuck in the mud of myself and what I want. It’s like everything is amazing and nobody’s happy. If we would all realize afresh the generosity and compassion of God we wouldn’t care about the songs being sung at church, the type of car we’re stuck with or job we don’t love, our possessions or lack thereof, or anything so temporal. We would be always praising and thanking God, trembling with gratitude and the knowledge that we haven’t earned and can’t repay Him for that gift. God help us remember! Open our eyes! Shake us awake! We would be dead now and forever without You.
- I am at a place of total surrender right now. It seems, in some ways, God has pressed on me until I cried “Uncle!” Everything I thought I wanted to or should control is completely out of my control. I do have control over my choice to trust in God. I do have control in the choices about how I use the healthy body and mind He’s given me, the resources I DO have, how I love and serve the beautiful, loving family God blessed me with, how I pray for and serve beside my brothers and sisters in my church family, how I stay in God’s Word and press more closely into Him. It’s a change of mindset – letting go of the things I think I should control and turning to focus on how I can contribute to what God’s doing. What GOD is doing. Staying in the backseat and not advising. Walking, as if blindfolded, with hands outstretched and not being afraid.
- We are finally free of the bedbugs!! Of course as soon as I say that I’ll probably find one upstairs. From March to October – what an ordeal. Trials do come to an end. There’s hope!
- I’m tired….in many ways.
- I was in the mood for bagels as I came home from the store this evening. My little Dutch Apple snack is calling me right now, “come toast me and put on some hazelnut cream cheese.” Okay. For now…over and out.