Two blog posts in one day is unusual for me but I just need to journal. You may read it if you wish, but I just need to process some stuff.
Encouragement today that God is doing something:
My dentist asked me today what Indiana Ministries does (where I work) so I told him. That let him know that I at least work in a faith-based place so he must have felt more comfortable telling me that he prays for his patients each week. Then he asked me if there was anything specific he could pray for me and my family about. After almost falling out of the chair, I looked up at him and said, “well, my husband needs a job.” He said, “Alright, I’ll pray about that.” That little interchange brought me comfort. I almost felt like saying “You could just about do anything to my mouth because you just made my day.” I didn’t though – who knows what he would have done?
John got an email from a church asking for information and a few sermons. That cheered him enough so that he wanted to talk about it on the phone. Any activity is encouraging at this point, whether or not it becomes THE activity that will show us our future.
Our future…wow. Lately I just want to fade into the background of life and be invisible. I don’t want to be in front of people, I don’t want to be observed or evaluated as to whether or not I’m effective or fruitful for Christ, I don’t want to try and be overly friendly and outgoing if I don’t feel like it, I’m not super eager to meet a bunch of new people and make all new friends. It all takes emotional energy that I feel depleted of right now. I was talking with my mom a moment ago and had a sudden need for one of her hugs.
Okay, enough self pity – maybe too much reflection on feelings and emotions is actually counter-productive. I did want to process to try and figure out why I feel like this. I think part of it is fear: fear of not pleasing God, fear of not helping reach people for Christ, fear of people not liking my husband who tends to be quiet and makes friends more slowly (just being honest), fear of possibly moving somewhere far from my college girl (with another one going this fall), fear of not having enough money or being able to afford whatever. As I type these out I think some of these fears are silly, especially knowing my God and how good He is. He said perfect love casts out fear, maybe I am praying for and seeking the wrong things to help me through this. Maybe I just need to press harder into Him and ask Him to love me.
You see, at this point I don’t want to be a pastor’s wife anymore. I don’t know if that’s because I want something easier (as if any role in the Christian path is going to be easy) or if I just feel we are better suited for something else (though I don’t know what that is). My brain is flitting from thought to thought like someone flipping through radio stations trying to find something they like. Just getting static right now…
Again, I keep ending up thinking about myself. God deliver me from that! Get my eyes off of me and onto someone I can love or help or pray for or something. Even saying that makes me think I don’t have the energy to do those things, though. Good grief. I’ve tried to hold up a positive front and think positively. I think faith is one of my spiritual gifts, but my faith is just a little weary right now.
The song playing on my computer right now is “Blessed Be Your Name”. Every blessing You pour out, I’ll turn back to praise, God. When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say ‘Blessed be Your Name!’ ” That helps – I think I’ll listen to some praise music on the way home and maybe John and I can have some prayer time together tonight. I think that would be really good.
Hey, it’s 4:58 now and time to go home