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I’m reading several books at once and that probably isn’t the best idea for my scatterbrain to retain something valuable from each one.  I started reading “The Me I Want to Be” by John Ortberg (discussing as I progress through with a good friend of mine) and am still reading it.  Then another good friend recommended “Shattered Dreams” by Larry Crabb which is also a really good book.    Toss in my daily Bible reading and, slightly embarrassed to admit, another read through of Eclipse and there are lots of words tumbling around in my head.

I haven’t written for a few days, oddly enough because I felt at a loss for words.  If I could just grab a hold of a few of the ones churning in my mind and put them into some kind of meaningful order to share with you. 

On this path of learning and following Jesus, I’ve hit a yucky stretch.  It’s pitted with potholes of self-discovery of the not-so-fun kind and patches of thick foggy questions with no answers as of yet.  As the Holy Spirit holds his mirror of truth up for me I see so much that is still in need of redemption and forgiveness.  This journey is tough!  I guess Jesus never said picking up a cross and following him would be cupcakes and sunflowers.  It’s hard work.  And no wonder He said we needed to do it daily.   Every day I need his forgiveness because this sinful self-centered nature is so persistent to pop up and get in the way of my deep desire to become more like Jesus.

In “Shattered Dreams”, the author Larry Crabb sheds light on the passage in the Bible when Jesus said we were to come to Him as a little child if we wanted to enter the kingdom of God.  “Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. 3 Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. 4 So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.” (Matthew 18:2-4) Larry says that this doesn’t necessarily mean a cute, school-aged child for Jesus to pat on the head or carry piggy back along the path.  Jesus meant we are to come as we truly are – needy infants – helpless to do anything for ourselves.  We have to admit that we need God for everything, especially forgiveness.   It’s hard for us to not think of our needs and our selves.  Sometimes it’s hard to admit that we can’t take care of ourselves.

I was thinking today that when my girls were babies, I never got angry with them for being needy.  If I were to leave them in their cribs and not help them they wouldn’t have survived.  Imagine, silly as it is, if a baby pushed the mommy or daddy away, somehow thinking it could find a way to meet its needs on its own.  Likewise, I’m sure God doesn’t get frustrated with us because of what we are:  needy infants.  I’m glad the girls cried when they needed something.  When they were really young they couldn’t talk and tell me what was wrong.  If they never cried, I wouldn’t have always known that they needed me.  The Psalm writers in the Bible show us that it’s okay to cry out to God and tell Him we’re needing something.

God, I so openly confess how much I need You.  Hold me, teach me and love me.  I need Your love.  Carry me along this path and rub off on me, let me grow to resemble You more and more.  Lead me, rebuke me, discipline me, be patient with me, stay with me.