It takes someone outside of me to help me see behaviors and pinpoint thoughts/perceptions that aren’t healthy. Whenever I spend time with my sis, I learn so much. She is very perceptive and wise and is one of those friends for me who speaks truth into my heart and life. I take it from her because I’m secure in her love. She knows me and doesn’t judge me.
Sitting at my kitchen table a few mornings ago, somehow we began talking about connecting to people and trying to fill the need in our hearts to connect with stuff other than intimacy with God. Jodi asked me what I was afraid of. I hadn’t thought I was afraid of anything but as we sat there and I thought about it I realized I am afraid of being alone and lonely. I’m having a hard time watching my old friends from our old church grow more closely together, even though that is wonderful and what’s supposed to happen, because I feel I’m drifting away from them. I’m missing my college girls – and anticipating when my youngest also leaves – and realize they’ve been some of my closest friends all throughout their growing up years and now they are moving on, so to speak. I check facebook far too often, I guess in hopes that someone has responded to something I’ve said, that I’ll find validation and companionship. I realize I’m craving connection and to not be alone. I also realize that what I need and want most – closeness with God – is what I’m holding back from. Jodi asked me again, “What are you afraid of? Afraid if you sit quietly with Him, of what He might say? Afraid He may not say anything?”
I reached out for her as the tears started to come and she hugged me. Why is it that the very thing my heart is starving for I put off or stay too busy for? Why don’t I just be still and be with God? Maybe this time of not having a church family close by or lots of people to hang out with is because right now I need to learn how to be closer to my Papa, my heavenly Father, and be content/filled up by seeking HIS companionship and presence.
I’ve also been afraid of living a life that disappoints God, or one that isn’t full of purpose, not up to my potential. Everything I want to be and do has to stem from being with Him, though. Nothing good comes from me, only from Him. I’ve been getting things backward. As Jodi also reminded me, “Intimacy with God is the goal, serving and reaching others is the overflow.” She speaks from experience having faced a number of what others would call seriously overwhelming trials that made her feel very alone and exposed the desperate need she had for God. She intentionally has spent more time with Him, more time praying and reading the Bible, more time journaling and just being still with Him. Now God is using her to encourage others.
Be, not do. Know and seek God, don’t try to figure out what action to take. Not yet. Be still. My focus so often gets distorted and turned around.
I do have lovely friends, don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining or having a pity party. I’m just laying this out there – I’ve been trying to fill my still vacant heart with people and things other than God and I don’t want to do that anymore.