I mean, if you played the trust game with someone – you know when you fall backwards and they catch you – but they let you fall or dropped you, you probably wouldn’t jump up to do it again with the same person right? Or with anyone for that matter. It’s a little harder to be “gung ho” when you’re about to do something you’ve done before and gotten hurt. I get irritated with myself for being such an emotional person. I’m working on decreasing the frequency of my knee-jerk emotional reactions to things but they still happen.
I keep telling myself – this is another chance to keep trusting God, people are people and no matter where you go or work there will be times of conflict you have to work through, no person or place or church or job is perfect, blah, blah, blah. But the emotional part of me slams on the brakes when I start feeling like there might be hurt ahead or trouble we have to wade through, pulling our daughter along behind us. I don’t want to go there again if it’s going to end up like it has in the past. UGH, it wears me out, the round and round that happens in my brain. I’ve learned so much about how our comfort zones are not God’s priority, but also know we’re supposed to be wise and use our brains as well as our hearts in making decisions.
I’m sure you’ve had job interviews but how about a job interview where your husband is up for the job but your whole family is evaluated and presented to a large group of people who ask questions, and answer yours, all while everyone is putting their best foot forward and I’m wondering if we can really know these people or the whole situation after a few conversations and a long weekend. If we take a job like this we’ll be moving our family and hoping it won’t be for just another few years and then we have to move again. Pressure.
People change and are sometimes different from who they claim to be. Sometimes they claim to have a certain passion or desire but in reality it’s just not there and they resist you later when you try to pursue that passion. Sometimes the people who most wanted you to come are the very ones who seem most irritated at you later and want you to go. Or they just leave and take others with them.
I’m just spilling out some thoughts and emotions from the past hoping that maybe if I get them out they won’t bother me so much.
I could go into detail about specific things that hurt but I don’t think I should, not on this blog anyway. I was just getting on John’s case the other day about how he tends to be a glass-half-empty kind of guy and I’m a glass-half-full kind of girl. Tonight he joked with me, “Hey, what happened to the glass-half-full girl?” We laughed. Then I thought, “Ouch, he’s right.” Focus, Mimi, focus. Remember the good things God has done in between the hard stuff (even in the hard stuff). Remember why we’re called and that God equips those He calls. Remember all the generous, amazing people we’ve had the privilege of serving and ministering beside..the outpouring of love at times to us and our girls. Remember the prayers offered for us and with us, the hard work and sweat as we worked together, the good friends and laughs, the joy of small victories along the way, and most of all those who made the choice to step toward Jesus and onto the narrow path for good. Remember that it’s God’s Church, God’s mission, those are God’s people and He loves them. If God leads us somewhere, He will still be with us. He promised.
I know all of that in my head and mostly in my heart, at the same time I look back over the last 14 years, especially the latest 3 and shiver a bit. I’m just a little timid. Can you blame me?