All I hear is the quiet hum of my computer and the steady purring of Rocky, the wonder cat, who just jumped into my lap and has now made himself comfortable resting his head on my arm. I feel warm and dry while I hear wind blowing outside. The walls are pretty bare, boxes everywhere, shelves empty. It looks like someone’s moving or something.
While I sit here, at times I lean back and rest my head on the tall back of this old desk chair, trying to remember all those things I wanted to blog about during this week but never had the time. Something about all the “lasts” of moving, how once you know you’re moving you start naming lasts: this is the last time I eat here, the last time I see this friend, the last time I visit my hairstylist…last day of work and school…last rent payment…some of the lasts are kind of exciting but many of them are a little sad.
Of course there are firsts waiting for us in a few days. Lots of those will be fun but some will be stressful and probably approached with some trepidation on our part: first day at a new job or school, first time to visit a new doctor or dentist, first time at our new church, first time to live in a parsonage and have enough space to house a small army…first time to move to a new church without all three girls in tow…It’s all rather bittersweet.
It seems if the “lasts” take too long it begins to drain emotional energy and hurt, kind of like taking a band-aid off verrry slowly. Part of you wants to just count to three, grit your teeth, and rip it off really fast. There’s a sting but it’s over and done.
The overwhelming emotion in my heart hasn’t been sadness, though, it’s been thankfulness. A thankfulness that is so overwhelming I can’t really describe it or express it. A big chunk of that thankfulness is for people – the people in our life and the lives of our daughters. God truly meant it when he said it wasn’t good for man, or any of us, to be alone and so he made lots of people and intends for us to travel this narrow path together. It’s such a fantastic adventure and so much more satisfying when shared.
I’m thankful that God is so skilled at laying out plans and putting odd-shaped and broken pieces together that we look back over this year of what felt like turmoil and exhaustion and now see beauty, renewal, and promise.
It’s so nice and quiet, my eyes are getting heavy and I know I should go to bed. Each night and day I find us closer to the end of the “lasts” with a faint glimpse of “firsts” up ahead. In my mind a tug of war is being played, an eagerness mixed in with hesitancy, an odd in between, a tiredness. I hear my pillow calling me to come and shut down for the night. I’ll lay down, close my eyes, and sleep in peace knowing God’s keeping watch and He has everything under control.
At day’s end I’m ready for sound sleep,
For you, God, have put my life back together. Psalm 4:8 The Msg