It’s dark and blustery outside. I think a storm is blowing in, and I love to be inside, cozy and dry, and hear it raining and gusting outside. The room is dimly lit by the computer screen and warm glow of the desk lamp. There’s no sound except the very quiet humming of my Mac, and an occasional clunk or clank or the jeans in the dryer downstairs. My head is pounding, partly from tiredness, partly from the way I have to tilt my head a little these days when looking at the computer screen (blast these older eyes).
God spoke to me tonight. He broke through the cacophony in my brain, the pressing to-do list that always seems to be scrolling through my mind like the moving lights of a marquee. While reading some wise words from a friend’s blog, realization struck and pent-up tears spilled out. Quick aside: my nature always wants to know what’s going to happen, always strives for harmony and good endings, and always wants to be a part of that happening. In other words, I have control issues.
Okay, back to God speaking to me. I say all the time to those around me how I try to replace fear with faith, how I trust God to care for my loved ones (more specifically, my daughters). I have been trying to let go, but realize my subconscious keeps going back to trying to control the decisions and actions of someone I love (which is silly, of course, because the only one I can control is myself and even then I don’t bat 1000).
My friend shared, in the blog post I read, that instead of obsessing or focusing on my hope for my daughter to make choices I think are good, or to grow closer to Jesus, I need to just let go. Being so concerned about it, letting my thoughts of her and even prayers for her occupy so much of my energy can be a problem. It can become an idol, distracting me and keeping me from hoping in GOD, from my personal closeness to Him.
My job is at this point is to just love her unconditionally. When I shared this with John, he said, “That’s what God does with us.” He doesn’t force us to choose one way or another, He just keeps loving us. I know He hopes we will choose wisely and choose His way, but He lets us choose and just loves.
Like my sister has said to me often, I can’t live my daughter’s life. She is living it. But I need to live my life! I need to keep my hope in Jesus, to keep seeking after Him with all my heart, to get as close to Him as I possibly can and stay there.
I will still pray for my girls, of course! I can still hope my daughters will choose love, will choose God’s way, will make healthy choices, but I have to let go and let them choose. God will help and guide them, as they let Him. My hope is really in Him.
Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
for my hope is in him. – Psalm 62:5
The blog I referenced is “Hope for Hurting Parents” by Dena Yohe