Those who know me were surprised I hadn’t cried all day, but I was just too happy to cry. Months of planning, texting with my daughter, buying supplies on the Internet and at Hobby Lobby (I should have a frequent flyer discount by now), and coordinating had culminated in this beautiful, family and friend-filled day. We were gathered because of love, surrounded by love, and full of love, nearly to burst. I kept telling myself to slow down and be in each moment because it began to speed by, as special days seem to do.
I had one moment where I got really close to crying: when her daddy began to walk her into the dimly-lit, lovely auditorium and down the aisle. Instead of tears, however, as I saw them come in I caught my breath and just stared at my absolutely beautiful grown-up girl beaming, walking toward her husband-to-be. As I sat and watched the ceremony unfold, I asked God to interpret the songs in my heart because I just couldn’t find the words or even thoughts to express my gratitude and joy. Blessed with a capital B, that’s what we are.
I enjoyed so much the time spent with Kimmi in those months before, texting, talking on the phone, meeting at times to shop and plan, brainstorming. Then, even more fun were the days right before when we drove through Starbucks, then to the church to actually put into motion all we had prepared, with lots of family there to pitch in and help. What a fun weekend – and everyone was able to come! I told you…Blessed.
John, Krissy and I drove into our driveway the Sunday after, a little bedraggled but glad to be home. We unloaded the car and brought all the leftover supplies (including many jars!) into the house. Once inside, I began to feel sad and kind of lost. I asked John, “What will I do now that I don’t have the wedding to think about, plan for and work on?” He chuckled and said, “Sit down and relax!”
As I’ve pondered that question these last few weeks, I realize that I poured so much of my heart, mind, wallet, and energy into the wedding and now it is past. A new chapter has begun for Kimmi and Nathanael and even for us. We’re in-laws now. We’re parents of a married daughter! How’s that for life change? We may even be on the brink of “grandparenthood” in the next few years to come. Whoa. Don’t want to get ahead of myself.
Just as I poured so much of myself into the wedding, I realize some of my sadness was thinking of how I poured so much of myself into being a mom for my girls for so long and that chapter is closing/changing, too. Our youngest graduated high school and moved out this summer to work in Alabama as a nanny for my brother’s children.
All of the sudden the house is pretty empty and I find myself asking, “what will I do now, God?” Certainly I should be useful for something! I’m not accustomed to this. I’m used to being a hands-on mom, driving girls somewhere, shopping, being needed in close proximity and in person for hugs and heart-to-heart conversations. I even relished in the everyday talking about friends, school, boys, etc. Now things are long distance (not too long thankfully) and over the phone or texting or facebook. Now they are out making their way as young adults and I’m watching them go, proudly but feeling a little lost.
John and I have time to get reacquainted in a way and grow closer together. I’m so glad I have him in my life. For some reason he doesn’t feel as melancholy as I do. Must be a mom thing.
I’m asking God to help me find my place now, to settle into whatever role he has for me. I have no idea what that is. He keeps reminding me that I don’t have to figure everything out or make the plan, I just need to trust Him. He has poured Himself into my life as long as I can remember.
So, here’s to rolling with these changes and keeping my heart and eyes on Him and His Word. I can almost hear him say, in response to my “now what?’ “Just sit down and relax. I’ve got this.”
This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” Romans 8:15 MSG