Never Alone

For those of you who know me, you know this, but for those who don’t here’s just a little piece of my story and a little part of my heart for why I am going to Amsterdam.

Right after I graduated high school, I moved to New York City to go to school for acting. I remember before leaving how EXCITED I was to be in a city with SO many people where I could just fully “be me,” and I would find my own tight knit community of friends, just like F.R.I.E.N.D.S, that would accept me for who I was and be so much like me and I would finally “find myself.”

Well, I got there, and I met some absolutely amazing people! All my classes were with these 13 other individuals that I got to know really well and an apartment style dorm with about 8 of us living together. I was surrounded by all these people, in a place where it’s practically impossible to find a place to actually be alone, and I realized I had never felt so alone before in my life.

So unknown.
So unseen.
Just, so lonely.

Shortly after arriving, this girl came up to me who knew me from a musical theatre competition my high school did back in Colorado! (Small world, right? and soooo Jesus haha)

Out of all these people at this tiny little conservatory from all over the world, there was someone right from my little piece on the map who saw me, and she asked me to come to church with her.

I grew up a believer, pretty much my whole life, but sometime in that phase of high school where being cool is “better” than being in love with Jesus, I chose that, and I lost my close relationship with him I had once developed years ago.

So this girl invites me to church, and I go, and I pretty instantly knew, “wow, I’m not here for acting school at all… I’m here for God,” (seriously, I have a journal entry that says exactly that) and that’s when the journey really began.

This is where you think, “oh cool, she probably found solid community at her church and made so many friends and felt so seen and loved by them, awesome!” And I’m here to tell you, nope, that did not happen, sorry!

I spent that year with a couple of really solid people that I’m still friends with today, thankfully, but really, the majority of my time there was so lonely.

I felt so isolated.
So alone.
And desperate.

So desperate.

And in this place of desperation, I began to remember.

I began to remember the Jesus I fell in love with years ago, the one who was my friend when I didn’t have any, the one who not only saved me on the cross but was with me in my day to day. The One who was with me in my breaking moments, holding all my tears and sorrows, and the One who laughed with me when I was glad.

I fell in love with Jesus all over again, and my aloneness began to not feel so lonely, because I wasn’t truly alone.

Not with Him.

And I found music!

I bought a ukulele and I started to learn it.

I started singing and writing songs in my alone time.

I worshipped!

Sooooooo much worship!

And I just continued to fall more and more in love with him.

I still struggled. I still wanted friends. I still battled with anxiety and depression. I still had times where I wondered if he was really there or if this was all in my head. I had so many times where I wondered if any of this was even worth it.

But I knew it was. I knew there was purpose in this painful season. Because I fell in love with Jesus again.

And my heart began to break.

For all the people in cities, surrounded by people, striving in jobs they hate, trying so hard to be seen, to prove themselves to anyone that would look at them, even just for a second.

My heart began to break because I got it. I get it! I was them. Heck, most of the time, I still AM them!

This was just the start of my journey with Jesus to completely unwire the life I had been living, of striving, and proving, and becoming anybody I had to be to be seen, to give me the life He always wanted me to have, the life where I’m totally completely free.

And I know He has that for everyone.

My time in New York opened my eyes to see a piece of God’s heart that I never had before and it’s that very heart that I am taking with me to Amsterdam.

You may think I’m just trying to go on a trip to a really cool city, but I want you to know how scared I really I am.

I’m scared.

Sooooo scared.

I’m terrified, actually.

A commonly asked question is, “what are you running from?” when I tell them I’m doing this, and the truth is, this is what I’ve been running from for almost four years.

New York was a time I will never forget, because I found God there, but it was also one of the hardest times in my life I’ve ever been through.

It was so painful.

But pain is the place where God’s grace gets to pour in, and I don’t want to miss out on that because I’m afraid of what I’ll have to go through for it.

So I’m stepping out.

Fully afraid.

Shaking.

Trembling.

But I’m going.

I’m doing it.

Because Amsterdam is a city, with a ton of people in it that I’m sure might feel incredibly alone. And they, just as much as any of us, need to hear the Good News, about a man with the most beautiful tenderness you could never comprehend. And I want to tell them how He was a friend to me when I needed one, and how I’ve never been without a friend since.

And how through Him, I’ve made more friends than I could have ever imagined. Relationships I never thought could exist.

All because of Him.

I’m not just going to Amsterdam, I’m going to a lonely place that I know is desperate for the love of a Good Father and a Faithful Friend.

I’m going to meet Him there again, like I once did many years ago, and I’m going to share that with people who need it like I did. And I’m sure there’s so much more that I will learn that I can’t even begin to guess or to know, but I’ll keep you updated as I go.

Thank you for reading this post. I know it’s kind of a heavy one, but I wanted to be vulnerable and share a piece of my heart with you.

Blessings and love,

Sav