Always good.
The last few weeks have been such a whirlwind! A lot of unexpected things, disappointments, some brutally hard heart work, but so many chances for God to reveal to me who He really is.
January 4th was the day I was booked to fly out to Amsterdam, scheduled to land on the 5th just in time for school to start. As I got to the check in line I stopped and prayed, “Have Your way God. I trust You.” Then I was turned away because my vaccination wasn’t at the full 14 days yet.
So they sent me away with a plane ticket to Amsterdam a week after I was supposed to be there and I was crushed.
Of course, I was naïve to think I might be able to get through on my negative covid tests but I had to try and I was so hopeful. When they were rebooking my ticket, my mind was racing to all the “what ifs” and the “is this wrong?” and “Did I hear God wrong?” questions. But God so sweetly reminded me of Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” and I felt peace.
I knew that if He had gotten me this far, He would continue to carry me through the rest of this process and that ultimately, no matter the outcome, He had me, He was with me, guiding my steps, and those steps He has for us are always good; I can trust Him.
So I went home, still sobbing because, well, I’m still human! But, in my heart I had peace. I knew that God was going to work this out for good and that my current disappointments were just a chance for Him to reveal plans even greater than the ones I had planned in my head.
The next week I stayed at home with my parents in Florida, joining the school lectures over zoom. About half of us couldn’t make it to Amsterdam due to Covid related reasons, so as unfortunate as it was, it was nice to know we weren’t alone.
That following week with my parents I had to adjust to Amsterdam time while still in Colorado, so my days looked like waking up at 1am to get ready for “breakfast” and class on time at 3am (9am in Amsterdam).
It was an adjustment for sure, but it was so fruitful not just for me, but for my family. It allowed for so much quality time with my parents which hadn’t happened in almost two years. God worked out so much healing in my heart; forgiveness, and redemption between my parents and I that I thought would never come. Barriers I had put up between us that I wasn’t even aware of, and it was so hard and humbling, and I would never have experienced it if I hadn’t been sent away at the airport… and this was only week one.
Already I was beginning to feel that God was changing me, and I hadn’t even made it to Amsterdam!
So, the 13th came along, the day I would be leaving for Amsterdam and this time I was ready, I was so prepared and you know what? This time? I made it through!!!!
I cried this time walking through security. So thankful for the week God had given me, thinking of my family here, and my family back home in Colorado. I reminisced on all the good and beautiful things God has done in my life over the last few years. The challenges I’ve faced, the victories, my failures, the people who have walked through it all with me, and His faithfulness, and I let go of what I had been holding so close to make space for what He wanted to do next.
And I cried those good, good tears; knowing that whatever came next, God was in charge of my story. And if He did what He did over the last couple years while I was still trying to take control, I couldn’t wait to see what He was going to next with my hands high, knee shaking surrender. And I felt so much hope.
I made it to Amsterdam on the morning of January 14th.
I was greeted by a friendly face that I had seen once over zoom and she drove me to De Poort; home.
Once I got outside I took a deep breath and smiled. Despite being on the opposite side of the world, the air felt like a crisp rainy day in Colorado, my favorite kind of day. Though I was far, I felt like I was home.
The building was wildly reminiscent of the school I attended in New York. An old old old building, with pieces of exposed brick and half patched walls. And I was led to the room I would be quarantined in for the next 5 days.
It was a quaint room with a twin bed, a desk, and a sink. A nice window overlooking our courtyard, a couple shelves, a side table with a lamp, and a picture on that wall that said, “We’ll never honor Christ if we forget how to honor each other.” Bob Goff.
Though initially I was bummed to be stuck in a room when new friends were all right outside the walls and the city of Amsterdam just beyond them, again, God just proved to me again, how much better His plans are, and just how much He knows exactly what we need and when.
That time in the room, the two girls from America would stop by and chat to me in the hall (with social distancing of course) which was so beautiful, but most of the time I spent alone.
And God did work in my heart that I never thought could be done and a lot that I didn’t even know I needed.
This second week of lectures, we were learning about the Nature and Character of God.
While of course, I would love to say I already knew the nature and character of God, truth be told, I realized recently that the God I believed in, was not God at all.
I had been believing so many lies about who He was and I didn’t even realize it, because in my head I knew who He was, but it wasn’t true for me in my heart.
That week there were so many hours spent on my knees forgiving people, asking for forgiveness, thanking God, repeat, etc. It was like God finally got me alone and was like, “great, let’s deal with some stuff shall we?” and oh yes, we did.
On Thursday this week though, the biggest revelation hit and the hardest.
We were beginning to learn of God’s love. Of course, God is loving, He is love! Duh! I knew that…didn’t I?
That Thursday morning we read a letter called the Father’s Love Letter. It was a letter to His children made of bible verses that say how He sees us, and while I wanted that to be so sweet, it made me furious.
I wasn’t sure why until I got to a verse that said, “I gave up everything that I loved so that I might gain your love.” Romans 8: 31-32
And then I flipped. Everything I really believed about God came bursting to the surface. Bad stuff. It wasn’t pretty, and I am so glad I was in quarantine alone to go through that with Him, it wasn’t pretty. I realized for years I had been believing that He was a manipulative, selfish, God. That He was not good. That all He ever did was conditional, that He loved so He could guilt trip us and dangle it over our heads. That He did not really love.
Terrible, right?
But, wow, did God meet me there.
I heard that still small voice whisper, “read it again,” and so I did, because despite believing what I believed I didn’t want to, I wanted to be free of this.
As I read it again, it came to life.
“I gave up everything that I loved so that I might gain your love.”
I had to read it again.
“I gave up everything that I loved so that I might gain your love.”
Might.
It hit me. All at once, that one word, and finally, I understood what He meant. I understood the cross. I understood His love.
That God would give up everything that He held dear knowing full well that we might never love Him back, and not only that, that we would even hate Him, abuse Him, mistreat Him, betray Him. He knew all of that and He still never holds back any love from us.
Would I love someone like that? Full disclosure, no. Not on my own. Would any of us out of our own volition do that? Give someone everything we love, watch them mistreat it and misuse it and turn and instead of thanking us, tell us instead how much they hate us? And our response would be, “I love you,” and do it all over again? No way! I don’t think many of us would do that! I for sure wouldn’t!
God met me in a place that I’m ashamed to admit I found myself in and He showed me so much mercy in it. Instead of scourning me, He loved me. He led me to the truth. He set me free.
The last two weeks have been a whirlwind but WOW! God is better than I ever thought He could be and I’m just getting to really know Him!
Thank you for following along on this journey with me. I can’t wait to start sharing not only what God is doing in me but in others around me too!
If you would like to pray for us, I would love it if you would pray for God to just create opportunities for us to show His love and kindness to the city around us.
Pray for guidance and discernment for the school leaders as they try to navigate what our outreach will look like in these times.
Mostly, praying that God would have His way and that we would remain surrendered to follow it.
Blessings and Love to you!
Savannah